Normal Sphincter and Nose Coordination

More medical malaprops courtesy of a friendly mole in the world of medical transcription:

Normal sphincter and nose coordination bilaterally. (finger-to-nose)

We will place him at bed rest with his eggs elevated.

The patient's gray cat with white paws and crossed eyes is still living in Prague with friends.

Last summer, she had an injury to her right knee when her left knee was on a boat.

Blood pressure elevated by the nurse at 160/96 today.

Patient respiratory Martian artifact degrades image quality. (motion artifact)

This patient from a small town in Alaska with no history of cardiac disease developed severe recurrent chest pain on the day of admission

Past Medical History: Spleen apnea. (sleep apnea).

Upon awakening, he removed all his extremities. (moved)

Works as a night-stalker in a grocery store. (night stocker)

Patient has one sister and three brothers who are all diseased. (deceased)

Chief complaint: Foreign body in esophaguts. (esophagus)

Next is history of, uh . . . next is history of, uh . . . next is history of, uh . . . next is history of, uh . . . . . learning disability.