Giant Animal Smasher May Discover Darwin Particle

As I reported here recently, scientists at CERN are now using the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva to probe atomic structure. Their quarry includes the elusive Higgs boson.

Physicians and other members of the soft sciences will be delighted to learn of progress on the Giant Animal Smasher, now under construction near Dallas, TX. As one CERN scientist stated:

Biologists are just jealous of all the attention the LHC has been getting. Since they aren't real scientists, they had to come up with this atrocity.

Much of the early work in animal smashing is anecdotal, and has largely been carried out informally by pickup and semi-trailer trucks on the roadways of the world. However, this important work has been greatly limited by local highway speed limits.


The GAS, however, can theoretically collide animals as large as squirrels at relative speeds of 12,000 meters per second. This device may thereby demonstrate evidence of the Darwin particle, unlocking the secrets of evolution and life.

Not to be discounted is

...the visceral enjoyment of seeing two squirrels collide at thousands of miles an hour.

Of course, if it's visceral enjoyment we're after, there's nothing like flinging actual viscera around. Luckily, we may not have to wait too long for this...

Next thing you know the psychologists will build a brain smasher to compete.

Among psychologists, I'm guessing that the schadenfreudians will be the first on board with this new tool.

(hat tip to David Goldman)